Postponed.

My mission papers were officially submitted May 2nd and I had been waiting patiently {kind of?} for my call to come, well some time had passed and so the Stake President called the mission department to see what was going on. It turns out that after someone has a panic attack they have to wait 6 months to even submit papers. My last one was in January...so I was told I have to wait until the end of June and then resubmit my papers. So many emotions ran through my mind: disappointment, anger, sadness, confusion, and finally peace.

Its hard being excited about something and then being told that the good efforts you are trying to make aren't enough. I know I will go on a mission and technically a month isn't that long but it feels like an eternity to me. Honestly. All I could think about was going to church and having everyone come up to me asking me if I heard any news or had gotten my call yet, and while I am so grateful to be surrounded by loving, supportive people all around me it's very disheartening to always have people asking you questions you can't answer. And then having to tell everyone why I had to resubmit my papers. Not that its a bad thing but it is personal, and not something I told hardly anyone, I mostly kept it to myself and liked it that way. Mostly I just didn't want anyone worrying about me. [so don't worry, I'm goooood] 

As I mentioned earlier five main emotions passed through me, disappointment, anger, sadness, confusion, and finally peace. The first four are pretty self explanatory as to why I was feeling those but the last one not so much. While this news was pretty sucky to hear, after waiting almost a month thinking I was going to get my call any day hearing that I would have to wait another month to even submit my papers and then start this waiting period over was not exactly the highlight of my day. After feeling sorry for myself for a little bit I decided to stop it. There was no point in being sad and all sorrowful when there was nothing that I could do about it. No matter what I had to wait until the end of June to turn my papers in there was no getting around that, nothing I could do could make it go faster. Life happens. "If we were given everything we wanted right then, what would we work for?" Mostly I was disappointed because I had everything planned out and I wanted it to go exactly how I had planned (not because I'm stubborn or anything......) because obviously, I know best. WRONG. Oh I was so wrong. I don't know anything, let's be honest. I should have known by now that when I try to plan things like this in my life they just don't work out the way I plan them to, I should expect this by now. I know everything will work out better than what I planned simply because it's not in my hands. I know that I will serve my mission where and when I need to serve. I was talking to a good friend about all this when I was still feeling all sad for myself and he said "If you know what God wants you to do, there is literally nothing that can stop you. Simple is that." And as much as I hate to admit it, how right is he? 

So yes my mission is going to be postponed a little bit, but that's alright. It's better actually! Things will work out the way they need to. I have faith. I'm going on a mission to serve God so shouldn't I go when he needs me to?